March 2018

The Nation Reviewed

Aussie Rules 2018 in names only

By Hugh Robertson
A fundamental analysis of this year’s player lists

“Oh, the Hipwood’s connected to the Sidebottom …”
Eric Hipwood, Steele Sidebottom, Jordan Foote, Jarryd Roughead, Tim Broomhead, Melissa Freckleton, Courtney Gum, Dayna Cox, Aiden Bonar

As seen on ‘Better Homes & Gardens’
Timm House, Daniel Wells, Claye Beams, Mitchell Hinge, Ben Keays, Tom Bellchambers, Majak Daw, Jack Redpath, James Rose, Ryan Nyhuis, Abbey Holmes

Charismatic antihero of a historical crime series coming to a Sunday night timeslot near you
Curtly Hampton, Flynn Appleby, Doulton Langlands, Lloyd Meek, Cora Staunton, Charlie Spargo, Dyson Heppell, Darcy Guttridge

You’ve heard of Wynstan with a Y, now get ready for …
Taylin, Jasmyn, Kyron, Aidyn, Kaitlyn and Caitlyn

Centimetre perfect
Jayden Short (178 cm), Shane Biggs (187 cm), Ben Long (182 cm), Billy Longer (202 cm)

Names suitable for the next hipster food craze
(“You must try the …”)

Kirsty Lamb, Kayle Kirby, Sean Lemmens, Tait Mackrill, Matthew Ling, Bailey Rice, Deanna Berry, Sam Powell-Pepper, Devon Smith, Matthew Leuenberger

Nominees for the Aliir Aliir Alliteration Award
Heath Hocking, Jamaine Jones, Sam Switkowski, Georgia Gee, Bailey Banfield, Brittany Bonnici, Sam Skinner, Tim Taranto, Ashlee Atkins, Will Walker, Shane Savage, Alexandra Anderson

The annual Jarrad census
Jarrad (2, down 2), Jarryd (3), Jarrod (7, up 2), Jared (1), Jarryn (1), Darragh (1)

When nominative determinism goes wrong
Josh Caddy, Darcy Gardiner, Paul Hunter, Zac Fisher, Dan Butler, Oskar Baker, Angus Schumacher, Callum Porter, Ryan Abbott, Emma King, Charlie Constable, Lachie Plowman, Joel Selwood, Rhiannon Metcalfe

Names suitable for a 2018 reboot of ‘Dawson’s Creek’or ‘Gossip Girl’
Brady Grey, Calista Boyd, Bailey Hunt, Hayley Wildes, Luke Lavender, Hunter Clark, Liam Dawson, Jesse Joyce, Ruby Blair, Gryan Miers

“What fresh calumny is this?”
Callum Mills, Callum Moore, Callum Brown, Callum Sinclair, Callum Porter, Callum Coleman-Jones, Callum Ah Chee

Never trust someone with two first names
Dustin Martin, Bernie Vince, Josh Bruce, Alicia Eva, Jack Steven, Stefan Martin, Tara Morgan, Sophie Casey, Sebastian Ross, Richard Douglas, Jamie Elliott, Jess Allan, Charlie Cameron, Emma Grant, Dale Thomas, James Stewart, Luke Ryan, Krystal Scott

And run, don’t walk, from …
Tilly Lucas-Rodd

Carrying a bit of baggage
Hugh McCluggage

The Orazio Fantasia Perpetual Trophy for Best New Name (joint winners)
Brandon Zerk-Thatcher and Bonnie Toogood

Hugh Robertson

Hugh Robertson manages a record label, writes a lot and thinks about the Sydney Swans too much.

March 2018