June 2014

The Nation Reviewed

Names of the game

By Peter Cronin
A singular analysis of AFL players’ names

AFL FOOTBALLERS’ NAMES IN 2014 SUITABLE FOR A ROMANTIC WEEKEND GETAWAY DESTINATION

Beau Waters, Blake Acres, Jared Rivers, Oliver Wines, Michael Close, Brian Lake

NAMES SUITABLE FOR THE LOCATION OF SOME MISCHIEF, A MUGGING OR EVEN A MURDER

Harrison Marsh, Campbell Heath, Easton Wood, Bradley Hill, Dean Towers

NAMES RIPE FOR SPOONERISM

Jed Bews, Dane Rampe, Matt Shaw, Nat Fyfe, Karmichael Hunt

NAMES THAT SOUND REMARKABLY LIKE A BRAND 

Seb Tape, Jed Lamb, Claye Beams, Will Hams, Tayte Pears, Daniel Currie, Chris Dawes

SURNAMES SUITABLE FOR A COCKTAIL INCORPORATING CAMPARI OR AMARETTO

Cassisi, Firrito, Morabito, Deledio, Bontempelli, Menegola

SURNAMES SUITABLE FOR A MIDDLE-EUROPEAN SMOKED SAUSAGE

Schoenmakers, Schroder, Leuenberger, Petrenko, Malceski, Karnezis

NAMES SUITABLE FOR A RASCALLY, MISUNDERSTOOD CRIMINAL WITH A HEART OF GOLD OR A LOVEABLE ORPHAN WHO RISES ABOVE HIS STATION BY INHERITING A SUBSTANTIAL FORTUNE

Sam Siggins, Joshua Prudden, Tomas Bugg, Sam Grimley, Jack Grimes, Jasper Pittard, Sam Darley, Will Minson, Jack Crisp, Jake Stringer, Sam Kerridge

NAMES SUITABLE FOR AN AGEING PEER OF THE REALM OR THE INCUMBENT OF A CRUMBLING ESTATE

George Horlin-Smith, Angus Monfries, Will Hoskin-Elliott, Tyrone Vickery, James Gwilt, Lewis Roberts-Thomson, Pearce Hanley

NAMES THAT FORM A COMPLETE SENTENCE WHEN EXPRESSED AS A COMMAND

Brad Crouch, Andrew Swallow, Jarrad Waite, Billy Longer

THE ANNUAL JARRAD LIST

Jaryd (1), Jarrad (5), Jared (3), Jarryd (3), Jarrod (2), Jarred (1) and their cousins Sharrod and Jarryn

MOST COMPELLINGLY NAMED DRAFT PICK YET TO PLAY A SENIOR GAME

Orazio Fantasia

NAMES SUITABLE FOR A HOME AND AWAY CHARACTER

Corey Enright, Brodie Martin, Jake Barrett, Kane Mitchell, Jamie Bennell, Robbie Tarrant, Zach Merrett

NAMES THAT SHOULD BE SUITABLE FOR A HOME AND AWAY CHARACTER

Majak Daw, Nic Naitanui, Bachar Houli, Shem Tatupu, Heritier Lumumba

A NAME THAT PROMPTS ONE TO LIE AWAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, PONDERING: “WHY? WHY? WHY DO I LIKE THIS NAME?”

Farren Ray

Peter Cronin

Peter Cronin is a Monthly contributor.


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