May 2013

The Nation Reviewed

Ayce names in the AFL

By Peter Cronin

Illustration by Jeff Fisher.

The nominal rewards of football

AFL footballers’ names in 2013 suitable for jockeys and unsuccessful petty criminals

Jimmy Bartel, Billie Smedts (first prize), Jack Viney, Lenny Hayes, Eddie Betts, Sam Siggins

 

Names suitable for an aide-de-camp, equerry, viceroy or other diplomatic posting

Henry Slattery, Will Hoskin-Elliott, James Polkinghorne, George Horlin-Smith (first prize), Piers Flanagan, Pearce Hanley, Tyrone Vickery, Angus Monfries

 

Names suitable for bushrangers, barristers and flawed crime fiction heroes

Jack Watts, Jack Grimes, Jack Redden, Jack Crisp, Jack Frost, Jack Darling

 

First names arguing the case for an official sixth vowel

Ayce, Danyle, Arryn, Dayne, Jarryn, Blayne, Jayden, Ayden, Cadeyn, Kyal, Claye, Tayte, Kamdyn (first prize)

 

A first name used by ten AFL players in five different ways

Jared, Jarryd, Jarrad, Jarred, Jarrod

 

First names suitable for brands of power tools

Brock, Koby (first prize), Devon, Cruize, Maverick, Jaxon, Tanner, Jaeger, Brant

 

Prenom du jour: Mason

Mason Shaw, Mason Wood

 

Ten first names not included on any AFL list

Keith, Barry, Neil, Noel, Bruce, Gordon, Maurie, Merv, Ron, Rex

 

Names in which gender identification seems not to be a priority

Clancee Pearce, Courtenay Dempsey, Marley Williams (first prize), Llane Spaanderman, Ariel Steinberg, Taylor Garner

 

Names involving a cultural dissonance between first name and surname

Warwick Andreoli, Brendon Ah Chee (first prize), Cory Dell’Olio, Nathan van Berlo

 

Surnames containing a subtle erotic nuance

Longer, Helbig, Toy, Swallow, Lower (first prize)

 

Surnames containing a less subtle erotic nuance

Johncock, Cunnington, Ball

 

Names with thrilling tonal, alliterative or rhythmic qualities

Patrick Dangerfield, Marco Paparone, Thomas Bellchambers, Richard Tambling, Hayden Ballantyne, Peter Bormolini, James Podsiadly, Paul Puopolo

 

Names suitable for an outer-suburban wedding venue

Beau Waters, Oliver Wines

 

Names that can leave one curiously unsettled

Garrick Ibbotson, Travis Boak, Dayne Zorko, Kirk Ugle (first prize), Steele Sidebottom, Tomas Bugg, Jed Adcock, Alipate Carlile, Kristian Jaksch

Peter Cronin

Peter Cronin is a Monthly contributor.

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