December 12, 2012

Monthly Wire

Best Satire of 2012

By Monthly Wire

Ten of the most amusing reads of 2012 from the Shortlist Daily.

 

Republicans consider welcoming people who believe in math and scienceAfter disappointing results in Tuesday’s election, Mr. Priebus said that it was time for Republicans to become ‘more tolerant of those with a math-and-science lifestyle.’” (Borowitz Report) – New Yorker

Chris Rock's message for white voters (video) “In times like these you need a White President you can trust. And that White President’s name is Barack Obama. Let’s take a look at the facts. For the first two thirds of his life Barack Obama was known as Barry, which is the third whitest name on Earth. Right after Cody and Jeff.” – Jimmy Kimmel Live

Dear Literary MagazineThank you for sending us your rejection letter. Despite its evident merit, we’re sorry to say we cannot accept it at this time. And by ‘evident merit,’ we mean its merit must be evident to someone, and perhaps that someone is you, because we just couldn’t find it.” – The Morning News

Jamie and Jeff's Birth Plan “Delivery: - We strongly prefer a girl - If you have not already done so, please now take a few minutes and read Early Admission: How to Deliver an Ivy League Baby! - Jeff will remain in the squatting position throughout delivery.” – McSweeney’s

Expansions to the employee incentive program “Theft is way down, and sobriety is way up, thanks to the team players working to make this company a better place for all of us. To honor your focus and dedication, I'd like to share some of this quarter’s accomplishments with you.” – New Yorker

N.R.A proposes sweeping ban on moviesSaying it was ‘high time to take action against the number one cause of violence in America,’ the National Rifle Association issued a statement today urging a sweeping ban on movies.” – New Yorker

Top Flight News Story #236b (video) “‘This is what put the Great into Great Britain, really, didn’t it?’ ‘Well they love a bit of pageantry, don’t they, the English, and they do it so well. This has been magnificent!’ ‘And the rain hasn’t spoiled it?’ ‘The what, Brian? The what?’ ‘Rain hasn’t spoiled it.’ ‘Aren’t you supposed to say, ‘the rain hasn’t dampened the celebrations’?’” – Clark and Dawe

The overthinking person's drinking game “Drink if you experience a sudden flood of shame at the realization that you haven’t done much to deserve really any of the things to which you aspire. If you suddenly realize you actually felt militantly entitled to something while sabotaging yourself, drink twice.” – Thought Catalogue

Things that should fall out of a piñata “... Dozens of smaller piñatas... Invitations to next year’s piñata party... Lasagne...”The Awl

Thank you for attempting to unsubscribe “...In fact, we’re so confident that you did enjoy the newsletters you received, and have submitted your unsubscribe request inadvertently, or under duress, that, as a one-time courtesy, we will disregard your request and keep your name and email address on our newsletter mailing list.” – McSweeney’s

From the front page

cartoon:In light of recent events

In light of recent events

Who’s preferencing whom?

Detail of cover of Simon Tedeschi’s ‘Fugitive’

Ghost notes: Simon Tedeschi’s ‘Fugitive’

A virtuoso memoir of music and trauma, and his experiences as a child prodigy, from the acclaimed Australian pianist

Image of Steve Toltz

The quip and the dead: Steve Toltz’s ‘Here Goes Nothing’

A bleakly satirical look at death and the afterlife from the wisecracking author of ‘A Fraction of the Whole’

Composite image of Prime Minister Scott Morrison and Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese speaking during the first leaders’ debate on April 20, 2022. Image © Jason Edwards / AAP Images

Election special: Who should you vote for?

Undecided about who to vote for in the upcoming federal election? Take our quiz to find out your least-worst option!

Online exclusives

Composite image of Prime Minister Scott Morrison and Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese speaking during the first leaders’ debate on April 20, 2022. Image © Jason Edwards / AAP Images

Election special: Who should you vote for?

Undecided about who to vote for in the upcoming federal election? Take our quiz to find out your least-worst option!

Image of the Stone of Remembrance at the Australian War Memorial, Canberra. Image © Lukas Coch / AAP Images

Remembrance or forgetting?

The Australian War Memorial and the Great Australian Silence

Image of Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese, Labor MP Emma McBride and shadow housing minister Jason Clare after meeting with young renter Lydia Pulley during a visit to her home in Gosford on May 3, 2022. Image © Lukas Coch / AAP Images

Property damage

What will it take for Australia to fix the affordable housing crisis?

Image of Daniel Johns. Image © Luke Eblen

Present indicative: Daniel Johns’ ‘FutureNever’

The former Silverchair frontman’s second solo album lacks cohesion, but affords him space to excavate his past