Humour

Satire

Scientists reveal Murdoch’s true nature

Scientists have made an unnerving discovery: that there is a direct correlation between the amount of negative energy in the world and a Murdoch’s strength and vitality.

The Murdoch creature, described as a human-insect hybrid, has been observed to enter a “low” phase during periods of international calm and stability. Its chitinous exoskeleton visibly withers, often leaving it resembling a cluster of raisins nailed to the bark of a long-dead tree.

Contrastingly, when there is tragedy, paranoia or crisis, the Murdoch undergoes a magnificent change. Scaling News Corp headquarters in New York, it can be seen to shed its dried-out flesh casing and double in size, eventually extending an impressive, oily proboscis. At this stage the “Murdoch Meta Form” lists in the wind, using the protruding appendage to sup on humanity's darkest moments like a leech of despair.

“At various times the Murdoch has grown impossibly strong,” says one professor. “I mean, really strong. One account describes how, when the war in Iraq broke out, it grew in size, walked into the ocean and punched a whale onto the beach.”

Strong and rejuvenated by the awful news, the Meta Form allows itself to be suckled by a litter of News Corp journalists who greedily feed on its noxious, ropy milk. Once sated, they return to write again.

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Jazz Twemlow

Jazz Twemlow is a stand-up comedian, writer and podcaster. He has written for Junkee, A Rational Fear (Radio National) and Guardian Australia and performed on The Roast (ABC2). He is currently part of the team leading the science-comedy panel show That’ll Learn You.

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