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Best Satire of 2012

Ten of the most amusing reads of 2012 from the Shortlist Daily.

 

Republicans consider welcoming people who believe in math and scienceAfter disappointing results in Tuesday’s election, Mr. Priebus said that it was time for Republicans to become ‘more tolerant of those with a math-and-science lifestyle.’” (Borowitz Report) – New Yorker

Chris Rock's message for white voters (video) “In times like these you need a White President you can trust. And that White President’s name is Barack Obama. Let’s take a look at the facts. For the first two thirds of his life Barack Obama was known as Barry, which is the third whitest name on Earth. Right after Cody and Jeff.” – Jimmy Kimmel Live

Dear Literary MagazineThank you for sending us your rejection letter. Despite its evident merit, we’re sorry to say we cannot accept it at this time. And by ‘evident merit,’ we mean its merit must be evident to someone, and perhaps that someone is you, because we just couldn’t find it.” – The Morning News

Jamie and Jeff's Birth Plan “Delivery: - We strongly prefer a girl - If you have not already done so, please now take a few minutes and read Early Admission: How to Deliver an Ivy League Baby! - Jeff will remain in the squatting position throughout delivery.” – McSweeney’s

Expansions to the employee incentive program “Theft is way down, and sobriety is way up, thanks to the team players working to make this company a better place for all of us. To honor your focus and dedication, I'd like to share some of this quarter’s accomplishments with you.” – New Yorker

N.R.A proposes sweeping ban on moviesSaying it was ‘high time to take action against the number one cause of violence in America,’ the National Rifle Association issued a statement today urging a sweeping ban on movies.” – New Yorker

Top Flight News Story #236b (video) “‘This is what put the Great into Great Britain, really, didn’t it?’ ‘Well they love a bit of pageantry, don’t they, the English, and they do it so well. This has been magnificent!’ ‘And the rain hasn’t spoiled it?’ ‘The what, Brian? The what?’ ‘Rain hasn’t spoiled it.’ ‘Aren’t you supposed to say, ‘the rain hasn’t dampened the celebrations’?’” – Clark and Dawe

The overthinking person's drinking game “Drink if you experience a sudden flood of shame at the realization that you haven’t done much to deserve really any of the things to which you aspire. If you suddenly realize you actually felt militantly entitled to something while sabotaging yourself, drink twice.” – Thought Catalogue

Things that should fall out of a piñata “... Dozens of smaller piñatas... Invitations to next year’s piñata party... Lasagne...”The Awl

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